Yay 2012!

Things are going very well so far in 2012. I now realize that the reason I had been so unhappy in 2011 is because I was not receiving the love and caring that I knew I could receive. I had to get rid of the negative person in my life, I needed to remove myself from their emotional abuse. I will no longer allow selfish, inconsiderate, abusive, self absorbed people in my circle. I am very grateful to my friends and family for their support. It make me smile to think of what 2012 and beyond has in store for me. :D

HAHAHAHA This song is right on!

You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

ell, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well, you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not, you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

-Carly Simon

Life is good

The Torture Garden! Passions, appetites, greed, hatred, and lies; law, social institutions, justice, love, glory, heroism, and religion: these are its monstrous flowers and its hideous instruments of eternal human suffering. What I saw today, and what I heard, is no more than a symbol to me of the entire earth. I have vainly sought a respite in quietude and repose in death, and I can find them nowhere.

I am so very lonely.

I've been attempting to connect with people but everyone is busy.

I will never forget and he makes it very hard to forgive.

A seed grew,
without care,
without time,
without nourishment.
It grew on its own
and though there were those who tried to drown it,
those it loved who tried to starve it,
those it didn't know who tried to burn it;
that seed flourished,
because in the end
life still goes on.

I do not expect him to love me.
I do not expect this to work.
I do not expect his actions to reflect his words.
I do not expect him to be there when I need him.
I do not expect to be taken care of by him.
I do not expect reciprocity from him.
I do not expect him to care when i hurt.
I do not expect him to put me first.
I do not expect him to want me.
I do not expect him to stop trying to make sexual connections with others.
I do not expect him to stop associating with her because if he loves me he would.
I do not expect anything from him.

Why is it taking so long to repair my heart.

Hands hold, fitting perfectly together, never letting go.
Anothers eyes beckon
in vain.
I am who he sees.
Touching lips sublimely
Others lips beckoned sweetly
in vain.
I am who he kisses.
Arms wrapped comforting.
Others arms beckoned temptingly
in vain.
I am who he feels.
Do dreams do come true?

Sentimental Fool

Sentimental fool and the resourceful tool.
Blinding reality, temptation is everywhere.
Don't speak.
What makes us who we are is what we do,
How we treat those close to us and how we treat the few.
Belief in the truth not in the ultimate good.
Resist darkness for it is everywhere even if not chosen to be seen.
People are not always who they seem.
They can stomp on hearts to satisfy their own,
and they always stomp on the sentimental fool.

The soul finds no space in the clouds. The sky is crowded. The stars weep.

I lay myself down then close my eyes and in that moment between sleep and wake, I feel my soul leave.

reciprocity

I've been taking care of people practically my whole life. I still am because it's in my heart. I want someone in my life who wants to take care of me and will take care of me. It's difficult when the one you love would rather be with other people.

The stars of the night are calling me home. That is where I belong. That is where my souls half resides. Oh that million mile separation burns through my core and leaves my ashes forever trapped in this limbo of my own creation.

Oh where peace may lie.

"You are the sunshine in my day. You make everyone around you happier, just by being there."

Anytime I feel down I just imagine someone special saying these words to me.
I do not always get what I need but maybe one day I will find someone who needs me.

Sometimes it makes me sad to I look at pictures of my friends with their significant others because they are in relationships that I know I cannot have with the person I love.

Proud

I decided very young that I was never going to get involved in a relationship and therefore would never get married. It isn't easy growing up seeing more negative aspects of relationships than good. I knew back then that I didn't want to take a chance at being hurt. As I grew older I never allowed myself to fall in love with anyone, always keeping people at a distance and becoming comfortable being by myself. Then came my party days. I started a bit late having fun with friends. I did that for about 3 years and as the party animal me slowly began to fade away I decided that maybe I was ready for a relationship; maybe things would be different for me.

I was able to push myself out of my comfort zone and began going out on dates. It didn't take long until I had my first boyfriend.
At the time I believed I made a great choice (he was good for me then and I learned a lot). I believed that he would be able to cherish me for who I was and love me for who I would always be. I didn't know I would ultimately be a part of the "I've been cheated on" crowd of girls I grew up listening to.

I have grown to not expect anything because my expectations are usually incorrect. For 2 years I made myself depressed expecting something to occur and leaving myself open to disappointment.

Although things did not turn out the way I would have liked, I am proud of myself for taking the steps to forever change who I am today.
I do not know if I will ever be able to open myself again to anyone in the future; even a child learns not to touch an open flame after they've been burned once.

I hope I will become close to someone again but I do not expect it.

Smile

All I truly want in this world is someone who just wants to make me smile. Someone who will do anything just to make sure I am happy. Someone who makes me a priority enough to remember I am alive.

I feel empty. My chest aches. These are just words. I cannot really describe this feeling at all. I am still crying millions of tears. One day I will be better again.

"Loneliness casts a tall shadow on even the most joyous of times. The inability of sharing an experience with someone you love subtracts from it's overall value. If it weren't for the noise of fireworks, I would try to sleep it off."

~Sidney Noble

Bad Dream

I had a bad dream last night. How is it possible to dislike (borderline hate) a person you haven't met.

If you really love someone, you wouldn't do things that would hurt them.

They think it's so easy

I feel left out of everything. I was looking at pictures of people I used to know and they seem so happy. I feel blah.

The strength of a few can hold this world together. The walk is long and painful yet necessary. Change is constant, inevitable. Stability is the key.
You can't always get what you want, it is childish to believe otherwise. I grew up years ago. Maturity met and soul aged. Life is worth living and enjoying. Let no one make you feel as if your life is worthless as if you have wasted something precious. Live how you feel. Live your happiness.

Wishing the sun will shine again

Life is full of sacrifices.

You can't always get what you want you make it

I am so weary of people trying to make me feel as if my life and what I do in my life is worthless. Just because I do not aspire to be better than everyone else does not make me a slacker. I just want to be happy, do the things that make me happy, explore other things that make me happy and live a stress free life. No I don't want to fucking use my biology degree. Yes I could but I don't believe that would make me happy. Money is not everything in life. It seems as if it is human nature to chip away at others souls.

I believe in myself and realistically I cannot expect others to believe in me also.

Lines on the Sand

I once walked a straight line
unknown to myself.
I was what others believed I should be.
I once walked a dotted line
unknown to myself.
I was a fraction of what I knew I should be.
I once walked a crooked line
unknown to myself.
I was what they wanted me to be.
I walk a solid line.
I am what I am.
I am who I am.
Independent and solitary of thought.
No one can touch this.

Existence among others is a double edged blade.

Puppy

Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy Puppy

Under a Rock

for the winter

Portraits

So I decided to take a drawing class this past quarter with Snakeskin McGee. Yesterday was my last class. I was dubious of the outcome because at first I didn't seem to be doing well. It now seems as if I may have a talent for drawing portraits. My professor told me "you could make a living doing this". :)

Religion is God's joke on humanity

We are drowning in a sea of hypocrites.

I hate Tuesdays

Inadequate.
Emotional.
Puke in this space.
Stabbed in the face.
Gave up on the chase.
No rest for the wicked.

Chivalry is Dead

Our society has destroyed any sort of chivalry men may have had at one point in history. I am all for equality but whatever happened to plain old courtesy. People just don't think anymore.

Being climactic in anti-climactic climes
makes us
victims of victimless crimes.

Oh Ye of Little Faith

Glistening flesh.
Succulent taste.
Slightly spongy,
crunchy, sweet,
yet tart.
Biodegradable; it won't last forever.
In evidence as it browns before my eyes.

The hardest thing about living is preventing yourself from doing the things that make you happy.

How do you see the future when the future does not exist?

Glass Castle

I do not throw stones so why can I not live in a glass castle.

People grow apart as people grow into themselves. Some grow in negative ways, some in the positive, and some do not grow at all. I cannot remain stagnant nor will I head towards the negative. That is why I must leave you behind.

Wondrous Boat Ride

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing
Is it raining?
Is it snowing?
Is a hurricane a-blowing?
Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of hell a-glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes, the danger must be growing
'Cause the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing!

I guess I shouldn't joke or laugh anymore.

Slave

Bonds are made to be broken right.
Things are not as they seem.
People do not do as they say.
People are not who they say they are.
Things change, people die and life goes on. I would hate to miss it.
There are so many pressures in life if you let them. Why can’t we be who we are. Impatience is the answer to that one.
It is easier to separate yourself from strangers and acquaintances than family and friends.
Is it strange to go down with the ship.
Why hold tightly to the past. Sure it has helped make you who you are but it also will stifle growth. Comparison is a cancer.
Why am I so easily satisfied and others not.
Why do people make their lives more difficult than living already is.
Why is everything I do considered incorrect.
Why is it not enough. I have always been pushed to be brilliant. I have neglected to live.
I feel as if I am being pushed around by bullies. Life is a pendulum.
I find happiness and joy in so many things, big or small. Does that lessen the strength of my happiness when compared to others. Does it make my happiness less valuable.
When things go wrong why do people exacerbate the problem.
Death is in everything and so is change. Both lack reference.
Only I can force things to be about me.
It’s dog eat dog, every man for himself. The roller coaster never ends, it just enters another loop.
Will we be alive to see it.
Will I ever win.
Knowledge is an escape from feeling the universe. To reside in your head imposing your opinions on the world.
Within frozen ice dwell many shades of blue.
Culture is a cage in which I refuse to be a slave to its intolerance, bigotry and sadness.
I refuse to be a symbol, to conform to that radical norm to terrorize and patronize those who are different from me.
My accepting nature pulls me apart and makes me alien.
There are degrees of ruthlessness. Just because I am not at the top of that tower does not make me weak. It makes me compassionate not altruistic.
Why do we feel as if we must be better than others.
I do not need a reward or recognition for the things I do.
Can a man live without God.

Drills

the heart is a harsh taskmaster
yet it is the mind that beats us all

How do we build something that will keep us in the here and now?

Blessed

I am truly a blessed individual. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Starlight, starbright.....

:)

Two for the Road

Consolidate: to discard the unused or unwanted items of and organize the remaining.

and here we go again

When

When you are near
my soul is replete.

When you are far
my heart ceases to beat.

I never really thought I would have a problem with it but then again I had never been in a relationship before, I always thought it was silly how others reacted to that situation. I guess I am more human than I have previously believed.

Residence

I had a dream last night that my mother was still alive. I knew where she was but I didn't know how to get to her place of residence. All this time she had been still alive but had not wanted to be near us. In the dream I was angry because of this.

I woke up today feeling so very tired, in pain and worn out. It took a lot to get me moving.

Pain

Going to the doctor tomorrow. Hopefully they can fix me.

The Go to Gal

I have a feeling that I will be taking care of others for the rest of my life.

Grapes of Wrath

One time I went out into the wilderness to find my own soul but I found I did not have a soul that was mine. I found I just had a little piece of a great big soul. A wilderness was not good cause my little piece of a soul was not good unless it was with the rest. There it would be whole.

Papa was a rolling stone

I lost my car

in my dream last night. I've dreamed this dream so many times. I now understand what it may mean.
Also present were a bunch of Black, Hispanic and Asian men. They all had blond girlfriends. Now WTF does that mean?

On An Abandoned Road

Dreams but dreamt now real.
Not quite what I imagined.
I used to enter these dreams frequently.
Now, not so much.
There exists all of my imaginings, stray stories.
He used to enter them frequently, back in April.
Then not at all.
Now He is back again.
Why do I dream of school and Him?
What does it mean to dream of abandonment?
You can only abandon that which you've possessed, cherished, defended or retained.
By that definition I cannot call this abandonment.
The ocean tide is shifting.
My confidence has been amplifying.
This makes me exuberant.
Over the past 3 years I have felt my independence wane.
I had become weak.
Gleefully I can say that my independence has reared its head again.
My strength has always come from within.
Liberation is within my grasp.
I can feel it against my fingertips.
I control my thoughts and emotions. They do not control me.
The more I am pushed, the more I rebel.
Stubborn.
Only I have lived my life.
Only I possess the ability to live this life.
Viva La Vie Boheme.

sink+ dishes= me no likey

What does it mean if you dream of abandonment?

Abandonment Dream Psychological meaning: This dream may express your unconscious emotions of being forsaken. Examine the reasons for this feeling. Do you feel that people emotionally neglect you? Perhaps you harbour feelings of resentment such as an unresolved problem from childhood? The dream also may be saying how you need to express your feelings and be understood by others. On another level, the dream may say that you need guidance with some life issue. For example, you hope for an 'authority figure' to help you take control of your life. Many people have this dream after the death of a loved one. Grief brings a strange mixture of emotions: anger, resentment, depression, panic and abandonment. These feelings are all part of the healing process.

Abandonment Dream Mystical meaning: To abandon something unpleasant indicated good financial news ahead. But the omens are bad if you abandon someone or something you cherish - destiny sees troubled times. However, if you are the one abandoned then reconciliation will happen quickly.

To dream that you are abandoned, suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your own growth. Let go of your old attitudes. A more direct and literal interpretation of this dream is that you have a fear of being deserted, abandoned, or even betrayed. Do you feel that people are neglecting your feelings? Being abandoned can represent a feeling or fear of abandonment, feeling alone, or being left behind in real life—in a current or past situation. Consider focusing on self-care and nurturing, and seek out comfort and companionship from supportive friends and family.

Dreaming that you are abandoned, may stem from a recent loss or a fear of losing a loved one. The fear of abandonment may manifest itself into your dream and is part of the healing process of dealing with losing a loved one. It may also stem from unresolved feelings or problems from childhood.

I am so tired

My body has been shutting down. I feel as if my brain is following. I have not felt right for a while now. I am fine with this knowledge. I learned how to walk years ago.

I am in love with leeks

Crack is whack.

Lovely Christmas Music

is playing but for some reason I am not in the Christmas spirit. I am losing touch with my love of company. In a perfect world right now for me would be at least a week of silence

February 2, 2010

Is this the big day?

What a beautiful World we live in

Travel is my calling

Scarlett Rose

I now have a new favorite name.
I still love Charlotte and Sophia but Scarlett Rose is beautiful.
So the list now goes:

Charlotte
Sophia
Scarlett
Daniel Faraday
Alexander
Duncan

After having an in depth conversation with someone who appears to understand what I am about, I am slowly realizing that I am better than what people think. I knew that already but so much negativity and criticizing of my person had brought about doubt.

Focus

I have always had a hard time focusing.
Because of this, I do not have the best memory.
I cannot up and recall phrases or teachings or words.
I am not the smoothest peanut butter in the cupboard.
I wish I had better control of my mind, then learning would come a lot easier.

"light another cigarette and let yourself go"

The Game by Queen:

I don't know if this album will be me tomorrow or a month from now but for this obscure minuscule moment in time, I am playing the game before it plays me.

TTSC

This thing is not how it should be; it should not be this difficult.
Am I not whole?
I feel deprived.
Malnourished.
Am I severely lacking or is it not meant to be?
Am I meant to walk this road alone?
Do I know where I should be or am I already there?
Have I always been?
Have I really changed or have I just compromised?
When I turn around all I see is a haze.
Why do I feel as if I am walking backwards?
Dog eat dog.
Beloved adjacent to neglect in this bipolar space.
Leeches surround me.
They try to bleed me dry.
I give too much to these bloodsuckers, these soul extractors.
I should imbibe.
I have no use for spoiled children.

Found

I walked in the forest
So all by myself,
And to search for nothing
That was my intent.

In the shadow I saw
A small flower standing,
Shining like stars,
Beautiful as tender eyes.

I wanted to pluck it,
When it delicately said:
Shall I to wither
Be broken off?

I dug it up with all
Its small roots,
To the garden I brought it
By the pretty house.

An once more did I plant it
At a quiet nook;
Now it branches forever
And continues to bloom.


~Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

I often wonder why so few people take me seriously.

Why does my alphabet only has 25 letters?

I absolutely need to catch some z's.

Not I

Why classify. I am whatever I choose to be.

Delighted

I sometimes amaze myself. How do I get so stuck inside my own mind that I do not perceive the obvious.
How silly of me.
It must be my propensity to hold on and to not concede.

still searching for those elephants in water

Why does it seem as if we have more appreciation in things we do not have versus what we do have when we have it?

Why isn't this working

Beautiful People

What a beautiful World we live in.

This made me smile

I found this note in a book, Death Comes for the Archbishop by Willa Cather. It somehow and for some reason struck a chord within me. I don't know why, but it made my day.

5/14/04

Marci-

I can't exactly express why, but I think you might enjoy this book.
I gave this book to Greg and others + everyone enjoyed it - No Pressure =)
Looking forward to seeing you!

David

Where are you?

Birthdays
Holidays
Dinner Parties
Social Gatherings
Celebrations

I was told that I should tell people how I feel

Why am I always so Fucking angry.
I can't tell you how I feel. It would only piss you off.

I wish I had a twin.

I want to meet people.
I want to learn.
I want to experience life through someone else’s perspective.
I want to go to space.
I want to love.
I want to be loved.
I want security.
I want to be excited all the time.
I want to be accepted the way I am.
I want to travel.
I want to drive across the country.
I want to be appreciated.
I want to not be afraid.
I want to be needed.
I want to have a family.
I want to be in great health.
I want to be nomadic.
I want to understand others motivations.
I want to listen.
I want reassurance.
I want to be heard.
I want to understand why I cannot understand.
I want control.
I want my chest to stop hurting.
I want a peach tree and a loquat tree.
I want a white picket fence and a country cottage.
I want to be stronger.
I want to understand people better.
I want to write.
I want to sing and dance.
I want to perform.
I want my mother.
I want understanding.
I want to live on the ocean.
I want to maximize my potential.
I want drive.
I want knowledge.
I want to own nothing.
I want to know what I want.
I want history.
I want serenity.

Sophia

There is a little 5 year old girl named Sophia that comes into the store with her dad. She is cute and very intelligent. I do not tend to like many children but I do enjoy her.
This of course has nothing to do with the fact that I like the name Sophia/ Sophie and would like to name a daughter of mine that name. Alis and I are still fighting over it. Lol.
Anyways, I am writing this because I think I enjoy kids, some kids that is. Most children are obnoxious brats that aren't very friendly or fun but a few are genuinely sweet, interesting kids. I like those ones. It shows that there are good parents out there.
Both father and daughter are very relaxing people. I do not know why they make me feel relaxed but they do. Things to think about I guess. It is great when you can find people that don't put more stress on you.
Genuine.
I like that.


Oh and yes, this is the girl that told me that I was a faster runner than her because I was African. Hahaha.

Everyman, I will go with thee, and be thy guide
In thy most need to go by thy side.

Reboot

Emotionally exhausted and drained.

I feel like crying.

Feeling unappreciated. I hate being a nurturer. Still the fucking black sheep.
My stomach hurts and I feel like throwing up.
Walls are erected.

Why are old people so miserable?

I didn't have a good day yesterday. Met a woman who obviously wasn't having a good day and wanted to bring everyone else down. I have been going through my own issues lately and really didn't need the extra negativity. I don't like holding things in but there is no one to talk to. Oh well. Vacation starts tomorrow. Yippee.

I've just come to the conclusion that I suck at writing.

Aghast

_________________________________________________

Life

One day I hope to put into words how I feel whenever I hear the ocean, whenever I see a sunset, and whenever I see the sun set over the ocean.